TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
