a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
