so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You can't motorboat a personality
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
