Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
