Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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