If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
