So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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