Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
