my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
