I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
