What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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