"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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