my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
