If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
