I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Houston, we have a blender
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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