i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
