I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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