i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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