how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
