i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
