he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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