John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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