I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
