i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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