He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
