I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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