dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
