im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
