IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
