i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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