why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
