god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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