Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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