we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
