were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
