What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
