The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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