I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
