i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
