I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
