im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
