shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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