I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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