I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
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