I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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