i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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