I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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