I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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