a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
