Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
